What Harry Potter would NEVER SAY!
by animefreak123
Summary: Ever wondered what Harry would not repeat EVER? Well read this and find out! Kind of racy, but It IS good! R & R
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Harry Potter, J.K Rowling does (but I'd LIKE to own Harry (devilish grin) . I DO however own these corny and partially--REALLY perverted jokes. They're rated T (as you can see) (ooh that rhymed)

Note two: .If you're wondering, I didn't steal these from another writer, I decided to switch accounts again (ok actually I just forgot my password). If you have any questions on whether this is really mine, please leave a comment saying so and I will be happy to prove to you that I am the original writer :-D

Note THREE: The lines that have a "#" next to them are ones I found on the internet, on TV, or from books. Some are revised to fit this fanfiction though. The sources are listen in chapter 3

Now onto the idiotic phrases!

* * *

**Things Harry Potter would NEVER say:**

_FLY?_ If I was meant to sit on a stick of wood, I wouldn't be born with balls!

# Look, I know I'm hot, but pleaseat least_TRY_ to contain yourself!

Draco Malfoy, will you **_marry_** me?

I have a FLY on my head! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Bouncing ferrets are so...handsome!

Sorry Cho I'm getting it on with Hermione now, could you wait a bit?

Sirius is like SO guilty! You know you are, give it up!

I bet you all the galleons in my vault that Dumbledore's a death eater in disguise!

# I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! And witty and bright!

_I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!_

# I'm a Barbie girl! In a Barbie wooooooooooorld! It's fantastic, being made of plastic! You can do my hair, _undress_ me **_anywhere!_**

# I'll only do it for a Scooby-snack!

Fred and George would make a cute couple!

Do you think if I frown enough, I'll look like Malfoy's mom?

# Snapi-o, Oh Snapi-o! Wherefore art thou Snapi-o?

Voldemort will have to wait, I'm using the bathroom!

When I'm in Umbridge's detention I secretly send love letters to Malfoy

Dementors are nothing! Why I once got caught by Snape, now _THAT _was scary...

# If you're going to die by evil minions of darkness, clap your hands! If you're going to die by evil minions of darkness clap your hands!

Why aren't I in Raven claw! _Am I too stupid?_

_GO SLYTHERIN!_

Do you think I'd look good with an Afro?

**_I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY ROBES!_**

So, this basilisk...it's safe right?

Look I can make farting noises! Oops that was real...

My Uncle Vernon, you're looking more mean and ugly than usual. (Must be the new aftershave)

I'll give you two Yugi action figures for a Kaiba poster!

When you tinkle if you sprinkle...don't hit moaning myrtle because she'll REALLY get pissed!

I always imagined you'd be sexier, Lupin!

James Potter...sounds familiar...

Scratch my balls and I'll scratch yours!

Dudley's just big boned!

Oooh lookie da pwetty bludger! (bam)

(Wearing green and white with serpent on head) Weasley is our King!

I am NOT wearing thong underwear! (oooh got a wedgie)

I'd so date you if you were a guy, Hermione

I shaved my armpits with that side of the wand you know...

# WARNING! I'm not wearing clean underwear!

# I like big butts and I cannot lie!

# Remus has monthly problems? What does THAT remind you of?

# McDonalds...I'm lovin' it!


	2. More Embarrassing statements!

Chapter 2:

I'm pregnant with your child!

# I did _**NOT**_ have a sexual relationship with that chicken!

Sometimes I go on muggle websites just to read the stories people write about me

I have a scab in the shape of Snape's nose! Wanna see?

# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Ever had that sudden urge to grow your hair really long, straighten it, die it black, wet it, and flip it over your head while acting like an evil girl from a muggle horror movie?

Why are you being so MEAN to me! bursts into tears

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but that bludger _almost **KILLED ME**_

Bertie Bot multi flavored beans really give me gass pains >. !

Kotex? Or Tampax? Choices…

(licks finger and touches hip) Szz!

Sometimes I wonder what me life would be like if me dad never shagged me mum…

And then the little piggy said: We we we all the way home! AND THEN IT GOT EATEN BY A HUGE CANNABALISTIC MONGOOSE! MUAHAHA

# That **_SLAYS_** me! (histerical laughter)

Draco, how do I admit this? I love you! Please except my offering of overly burnt _malfoy_-muffins! (faint smell of pollyjuice looming)

I can't find my hugging tree!

_**Oh #$!**_

Only_you_ can prevent forest fires!

My new job as a shrink hasn't fully materialized.

There are so many reasons why duct tape and mouths go together! And if you don't shut up I'll show you!

**_READ BETWEEN THE LINES!_**

I'm a bitch with an attitude!

Oh don't worry honey, I go both ways!

# I feel so sexy in my little sombrero!

Harry finds himself talking in third person aloud, andwonders about what caused this strange occurrence...maybe it had to do with that bowling ball connecting to his skull

Professor Snape, I have a very important and urgent question. Why do they call it 'shagging'? Does it have to do with Shaggy from the that old muggle cartoon or something?

Hey, what do you _mean_ I have no sex life?

Stupid magic folk, always thinking they can make fun of poor muggles like me (sniff).

# Have you ever noticed that in the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme, it never says Humpty's an egg?

# How many licks does it take the get the center of a tootsie pop? The world may never know!

(zzzzz buz buz buz) (slap) Gotcha, you little booger!

# I am too being Sirius!

# Hey honey, does my butt look big in this dress?

Have you really ever heard a dog go: 'bow wow?' NO! I tell you, these children's books are LIARS! They are _DECIEVERS! BURN THEM TO THE GROUND! BURN THEM ALL!_

#My Goodies, My Goodies, My Goodies  
Not my goodies!

That's all folks!


	3. Me Sources!

Some of the phrases I got were from other places, including songs, TV shows, and even other books! So I decided to list some of the more obscure lines and put where I got the ideas from:

# Look, I know I'm hot, but pleaseat least_TRY_ to contain yourself!

_Someone's websight, I forgot who though!_

#I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! And witty and bright!

_This is from 'West side story', a song maria does_

#I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Title of poppular muggle song

#WARNING! I'm not wearing clean underwear!

_Bumper-Sticker calender_

#Remus has monthly problems? What does THAT remind you of?

_Some poor person's fanfiction, I didn't steal the exact line, but just the overal idea! Sorry to whoever wrote it for not asking_

#I did _NOT _have a sexual relationship with that chicken!

_Websight, don't remember what the link is_

#Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

_Don't cha by pussycat dolls_

# That **_SLAYS_** me! (histerical laughter)

_Geico Add (I love the little gecko)_

#(licks finger and touches hip) Szz!

_This isn't based on anything_

#I feel so sexy in my little sombrero!

_From: "When cats go BAD"_

#Have you ever noticed that in the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme, it never says Humpty's an egg?

From http/ buz buz buz) #slap # Gotcha, you little booger!

_Some car add (has to do with weather and cars)_

#I am too being Sirius!

_Based on many different fanfictions that sterio-type this_

#Hey honey, does my butt look big in this dress?

_Phrase about how you're supposed to white lie to be kind_

#My Goodies, My Goodies, My Goodies  
Not my goodies!

_My goodies by Ciara_

That's all folks!

_TV_


End file.
